From Inner Darkness to Light

The Buddha said already 2,600 years ago that suffering is intrinsic to life in a human form and for any person who’s lived enough time on the planet, this truth surly echoes deeply. Life is hard and very trying. But is the inner darkness in our life just meaningless? Is it arbitrary and random? Or is it part of a marvelous intelligence and love trying to get us closer to God, to the Divine Reality? Let’s explore what great Jewish Kabbalists and Christian Mystics say about the matter.

The Experience of Inner Darkness

Not everyone follows a spiritual path. It is a mystery how it begins and what sets us on the path. But what can be seen again and again is that through deep times of inner darkness, of deep suffering, people are often starting to ask existential questions. The pursuit of Wisdom and God is often the result. Moreover, also on the spiritual path itself, it is not uncommon to read of accounts of saints and sages and certainly of spiritual seekers who experienced both multiple and prolonged times of suffering. Inner darkness seems to be an inevitable part of our lives and even though it seems terrible, somehow, it often leads to more light. But even though this sounds romantic on paper or even in movies, the experience is often devastating. When you go through extreme dark periods, it is beyond your control. You don’t exactly know what’s happening, nor do you seem to see a way out.

In fact, it is often seen that even the most pure of heart, those who live in adherence with the Divine, suffer even more than those who live an unconscious and destructive life. This can leave us with many questions and put our deepest sense of trust in life to the test. Why do we deserve such inner darkness? How can it be that after all our practices, all our devotion, all the good intentions, we suffer so profoundly? It feels deeply unfair.

A Crisis of Trust

As long as we feel good or even okay-ish, we find that it’s rather easy to feel trusting in life’s processes and intentions. As long as we feel in control, as long as our experience doesn’t fluctuate too much and the change isn’t too big, we can keep trusting. We may even believe that we deeply trust life. But all of that is really put to the test when suddenly the rug is pulled from under us. Control is lost. We lack an explanation for what is happening. Logic doesn’t work anymore. This inner darkness can be a result of an external or internal event. But the point is: the suffering is cutting deep and is beyond our control. It leaves us with many open questions. It may feel like an enigma. This can feel truly devastating. Such an inner darkness can truly break our feeling of trust. Our life that until not long ago seemed so okay or even nice, is suddenly shattered.

We can’t seem to wrap our head around what we’re experiencing. The suffering is so profound. Words fall short of describing it. It feels like this is going in only one direction: a dead and sad end. Yet, somehow, we keep on going. Every day feels like survival, but we keep on going. One day at a time. And after weeks, months or years, this inner darkness changes. The clouds part. We don’t know exactly how, but this simply happens. And usually we discover that we’ve grown…a lot.

Inner Darkness – Grace at Work

I’ve been trained mainly in the Yogic and Buddhist traditions. And as one who experienced multiple excruciating times of prolonged inner darkness, I never found any serious reference to such experiences. That is, until I bumped into mystical Christianity and the inner teachings of Judaism – Kabbalah. There for the first time, I found great sages and luminaries speaking openly about profound suffering and times of inner darkness as the work of God. I was deeply moved. In fact I was so surprised, as they spoke of deep suffering as something that happens only to those souls who truly long for God with all their heart. They claimed in both traditions that deep suffering and times of profound inner darkness and disorientation are ways of God to prepare us to want Him and nothing but Him. So we can already see here two types of suffering: one that sets us on the path and one that helps us take significant leaps on our path.

What Great Christian Mystics and Jewish Kabbalists Say

Greats like Saint John of the Cross and Meister Eckhart spoke of how by casting darkness in one’s being, God creates the conditions for a total and undivided longing in the sincere aspirant. Thus, he brings the aspirant to realize that God and only God can be the solution to his deepest aches and longings. In the great teachings of Kabbalah, you can read the great Luminary Ba’al Hasulam speaking about how God wants to fill the sincere aspirant entirely and isn’t satisfied with partial realizations. And how he casts himself away from the aspirant to generate both a complete longing and a realization that all is God, even the darkest of experiences. That there is no other force in reality but God.

I can only say that as someone who is a practitioner of many years on the spiritual path and who has suffered greatly, this truly did something to me. I realized that suffering is important and has a role. I realized that only because I’m serious and sincere on the path, these sufferings have been sent to me. And that made me question my broken trust.

Deeper Form of Trust

I’ve come to see through these great teachings and teachers that great inner darkness is but another form of light. It pushes you to such a level of despair, to a place where nothing works, and forces you to pray to God, to the Divine. It reminds you that at the end of the day, we all live in a great mystery and the only force we can truly rely on is this great mystery and intelligence that created us and sustains us. Apparently we all have to be brought to our knees to realize that we are not the controllers of experience, nor can we always understand what and why things are like they are. In fact for the most part we don’t understand. And so what is left to do when you can’t control, can’t know and don’t understand? Well, it is to trust. To trust and have faith in the One that is the only One there is. Call it God, the Divine, the Great Reality…names matter less.

By the grace of God, we are all brought to realize that something infinitely wiser and greater than us moves the show and that it moves us in the exact way we should. It is responsible for our successes and failures, our triumphs and breakdowns. It is what throws us into inner darkness and that which pulls us out of it renewed. And somehow, when we trust that all is for the good, that all happens with infinite wisdom behind it, it gives us trust even in the dark. Even inner darkness is Light after all.

.

Book your Spiritual Mentoring Session.

Visit my Numerology Course Library.

Check out my Numerology Podcast to learn more about Numerology.

Join My Numerology Facebook Community.